Not quite a recipe, not quite a story...but the ingredients are awfully yummy...

Ben Stone Soup: A Christmas Recipe
By Chris Lark


This recipe is best if completed around Christmas-time, especially following a long period of shoveling crime off the sidewalk. When you finish with that, you'll want to come inside to the wonderful smell and taste of Ben Stone Soup. Note: Mid-to-late November is the optimum time to start preparing the soup.
Start with a homicide in an alleyway of New York City. Add two of New York's finest detectives, ranting and raving about having to work at Christmastime, and mix them together. While mixing, sprinkle some witnesses and add search and arrest warrants, but make sure that those warrants are not faulty. Too many spices ruin the soup.
As you mix, review your suspects. Picking out just the right suspect to add to the soup is quintessential to a perfect broth. Combine it with some more of NYC's finest and see which one is best when combined with the detectives. When you have what appears to be a perfect combination, add that suspect to the soup along with a pair of handcuffs.
Let the mixture sit in the refrigerator for about a month-it has to settle for a long time before you can continue the recipe. This is why you should start in mid-to-late November. After your month has gone by, reopen the soup container-it's akin to reopening a case. Be careful, you have to restart almost the same minute you reopen the container. When you do, continue mixing, adding more ingredients. The first should be a defense attorney, preferably an arrogant, insubordinate one. These types create supreme soup. Add two, and only two assistant district attorneys, and sprinkle a couple more witnesses on.
You're almost done with the recipe now. Cover the container and shake it vigorously, then add a few more spices, starting with the DA and a grand jury. Remember, one of the ADAs is Catholic, and he feels guilty about withholding evidence. Add this withheld evidence in great quantities.
While you're tossing these onto the soup, be careful to avoid dropping the First, Fifth, and Seventh Amendments into the mixture by mistake-they're very slippery, and they can fall right from your hands into the soup and destroy it completely.
Shake the container a little more. Then reopen it and pour it into a pot of very hot water. Let the detectives, lawyers, suspects, and witnesses sit in this hot water for a week or so, then serve at a Christmas party for New York City judges. Keep the leftover broth for yourself and your family, and enjoy it on Christmas Day while watching Law & Order.


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