Not your traditional cops-meet-mythical movie beasts fanfic. And we miss Mystery Science Theater 3000 already.


Law & Order Meets Godzilla
Lennie Briscoe's Day Off (or) "I stepped in what?"
By Joshua Johnston
 

Case #: 10-20325-276
Date: 07/03/99
Location: Washington Mall
Crime: Multiple Homicide
Investigating Officers: Det. Leonard Briscoe / Det. Reynaldo Curtis (Currently in exchange program from NYPD, Manhattan Dist.)
Scene: Washington Mall. Upon arrival at crime scene, several things became immediately apparent. First, one deceased lizard, approx. 200' in length. A bloodstain covering much of the square mile cordoned off by the first on scene, several coconut husks and crushed medieval armor littered around the lizard corpse, and evidence of several types of unknown weapon discharge.
Witnesses: Several thousand. After many weeks of questioning, we found three individuals with specific information, included below.

Mr. Ferris Beuller (Student, On Vacation):

RC: "So tell me.. Ferris. When you and your girl were sitting on the monument steps, you saw something unusual?"
FB: "Unless you call a giant lizard wading through a pack of ticked-off English drunks normal in DC, yes."
LB: "We're from New York, the lizard's familiar."
FB: "Oh. Well, yeah. Seemed rather familiar to me, too, but I just couldn't place it. Anyhow, these weirdos in armor, like Cameron used to wear when he hung out with those recreation geeks.. Before I got him into politics. They just charged the thing, screaming something about dragons."
RC: "Then what happened?"
FB: "They stuck the thing, about a dozen times. All except one, who looked like he was making his armor rust faster."
RC: "And that killed it?"
FB: "I'd guess so, but not before that lizard had all the geeks but one for lunch. That one exploded in the lizard's mouth, looked like he had a grenade."

Mr. Will Smith (Rap Musician):

RC: "So, Will. You say you were talking on a payphone to your 'DJ' Jeff, when the gig went down?"
WS: "Yeah. I was just telling Jeff that I knew I could take Tyson in a rematch, but then some guy that looked like my twin brother stepped out of the museum, with some ugly white guy standing next to him. Dark suits, sunglasses. Looking pretty fine. They say something to eachother, and pull out these guns."
RC: "Big guns?"
WS: "The white guy had a huge one, but the black guy had some tiny thing.. Damn freaky. Anyhow, they're talking, and this goon in a big metal suit comes up, and without saying a word starts firing this laser stuff at the two guys. The white guy goes down like that, but the one who looked just a bit too familiar fired a blast from that SFG-9000 of his and blew the guy to chunks. Just like that."
RC: "And then?"
WS: "And then I ran. That's all I wanted to see. Catching a glimpse of what looked like a hundred thousand pissed off white guys with bad accents, running by me to face a big damn lizard, I decided I was getting the hell back to Bel Air."

Mrs. Pearl Forrester (Cinematographic Scientist):
Note: Interviewed VIA Videoconference.
PF: "Hurry up with this, I've gotta get my mud pack done. Brain guy! Hey, furball, where's the brain guy?"
(Offscreen: "Uhh.. He hasn't come back yet, Lawgiver.")
PF: (growls) "Get back here and clip my toenails. Brainiac has my mudpack formula and I don't know where he put it. Annnnnyhow, what do you guys want? A movie?"
LB: "No, Ma'am, we'd like to hear your story about what happened in the Washington Mall last week. We understand you have some.. information for us, about some of the participants?"
PF: "Just because I'm travelling through spacetime in a VW, you think I'm some kind of omnipotent trailer trash, huh? Well, just because you're right doesn't mean it's true." (pauses) "Is there a guy down there carrying his brain around?"
LB: (pauses - looks to Curtis, then offscreen) "Sorry, but I don't think we've seen anyone fitting that description since leaving New York. Back to the scene..."
PF: "Yeah, yeah. My test subjects escaped, and that one my idiot son lost... rest his poor soul...was there when they got back to Earth. They had my old salad shooter with them, and half of the good kitchenware. I never believed they had it in them, but I guess after the fiftieth viewing of 'Laserblast' they knew what to do. They started slicing through these morons in red shirts as if they were butter. Looked so easy that Bobo could do it."
(Offscreen: "Yes, Lawgiver! I could have!")
LB and RC look at each other, then back to screen.
PF: "So that was when brain guy decided to split, after seeing something on the display. And I still want my mud pack..."
(Offscreen: "Lawgiver! Look!" A large hairy paw points as two black-cloaked figures walk into view, with a man bound in movie tape, head covered by a bag labeled "Circle K")
BG (Brain Guy): "Um, Pearl.. I'm sorry I stepped out, but I just had to meet my new friend here. He calls himself Grim." (hiccups)
PF: "Are you drunk?"
BG: "Well, we spilled a little into my pan..."(hiccups again)
D (Death?): "We bring.. A gift." (hiccups)
PF: "You'd better have brought me a souvenir... Oooh, who is it? Nelson..."
(Voice of Mr. Spock from beneath bag): "It is highly unlikely that I am your 'Nelson', Ma'am. For I am a Vulcan, and not of this particular dimen..."
(Brain guy clonks Spock on head with brain-pan)
PF: "Oooh, an alien! I guess I can say I broke Mike if he could get that violent, so let's see how this new species will endure... Bobo, get me that copy of The Avengers we have sitting in the back room. Let's play." (PF returns attention to display) "If you ever find Nelson, just tell him I said I'll get him back eventually!"
Interview concludes - connection lost.

Conclusion: Six months later, a Michael J. Nelson was spotted working in an 'Aliens' themed ride at a theme park in New Jersey as a 'Gorman' double. Due to a complete lack of evidence to indicate the cause of this tragic mess, we can make no finding of charges to be levelled against any individual or organization.
 

end

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